27 year Void

So, I haven't blogged in a LONG time... but lucky you, something stirred me up enough to make me log in and peck away.

That something is....

Amy Winehouse.

Crazy, huh?

My first impression when I heard that she was found dead was "well, that's no surprise." I quickly reminded myself that thinking that was is judgmental.. something I try to hold myself in check with:) Key word: TRY!

Anyway, trying to think of Ms. Winehouse without judging her lifestyle really got me thinking and on the rare occasion that I think I share it with all of you!!

27. That is what I was thinking. 27. Amy Winehouse was born on Sept. 14, 1983. That is 8 days before me. She is dead, why?

Why? Just because she chose a lifestyle that doesn't usually lead to long, healthy lives? Why did she choose that? Or, why didn't I?

I can tell you why I don't have to search. I am already full. I don't have to search for that one illusive thing that will finally satisfy me... HE is already there. By HIS amazing grace my 27 year old void has been filled.

We all search for that one thing that is going to complete us, fill our void. Some people fill it with a substance, trying to obtain that perfect high, for others its work, or money, or exercise, even food. Those things only last for a while & then you have to search again.

Can you imagine if 27 year old Amy Winehouse (9/14/1983-7/23/2011) or 27 yer old Jimi Hendrix (11/27/1942-9/18/1970) or 27 year old Kurt Cobain (2/20/1967-4/5/1994) or 27 year old Janis Joplin (1/19/1943-10-4-1970) or 27 year old Brian Jones (2/28/1942-7/3/1969) or 27 year old Jim Morrison(12/8/1943-7/3/1971) had filled their voids with Jesus? Can you imagine!! They could have stopped searching, stopped reaching for a satisfaction that just CANNOT be filled with any substance.. even if you can afford the best of the best.

Thank You Lord for filling my void.

What good is it for a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul?

Matthew 16:26

Thought

People see what we do....

God sees why we do it!

have you penciled in the apocalypse?

I absolutely agree that the "end" is nearer than ever before! I also believe that the beginning is further away today than it was yesterday.. duh.

However, until today I was unaware that the apocalypse has been penciled in on Saturday. This news comes from Harold Camping, who predicted the apocalypse to take place Sept. 6, 1994 but has now gone back to the drawing board and now has correct calculations.

Now, I am not mocking this man. I assume that he really believes this, even after a failed attempt. He is 89 years old... so the end is probably VERY near, for him anyway.

What I don't understand is this, he says that " A genius could not understand this because God has to open your mind to allow you to understand this."

Well I opened my mind, and my BIBLE (The WORD of GOD) and I found this:

Mark 13:32 (New International Version)

³² “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.

and this,

Matthew 24:36-37 (New International Version)

³⁶ “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. ³⁷ As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man.

My Bible doesn't say "I'll be back 5-21-11" (get that Arnold dig?? :)) So I am making plans for Sunday dinner.

And if he's right? I'm OUTTA here!

The evil dieting mother!

Today I feel like an evil mother, and a fatty.

See, Wyatt (my adorable almost 6 year old) gets up really early every day. He usually gets a drink, maybe a cereal bar and watches t.v. until I get up and make him get ready for school.

Today however, he became a chef. He made cookies (he broke them into smaller pieces) and cut up a banana, an orange, grapes, and poured a yogurt into a bowl. He served this too me with a big glass of milk. He is incredibly thoughtful! But I am on a diet. I am counting calories... and I was staring at a plate full of them. So I picked at the grapes and banana and he starts badgering me, saying that I don't like his breakfast & making me feel awful. So I told him it was a lot of food & could he help me eat it. He did a little and then watched me try to eat the rest. I convinced him to let me save the orange & yogurt for a snack, and he helped eat the cookies. Ugh! I bet I ate over 300 calories before I even had a cup of coffee!

So then when I am bringing him to school I told him that I thought he should only make breakfast on weekends, when daddy was home to enjoy it too. He kind of left feeling like I didn't like it!! I tried to explain that I just can't eat that much for breakfast... didn't go over well!

I guess today I am a bad mom and a bad dieter:( Now I feel like crap because I ate too much and my kid worked so hard & I asked him not to do it again!

I love you anyway

My head is SO full of thoughts today that part of me is tempted to post a copy of Webster's dictionary on my blog because if you read enough of those words you could almost begin to put what I am feeling on paper (technically its a computer screen, not paper)... and it would be alphabetical, which is always helpful!

I realized that I am like an emotional filing cabinet, all neat and put together.. but as soon as I get a work overload (emotional or mental) the papers start falling in a mess on the floor. I loose all order and control. Papers flying everywhere and me running in circles trying to catch them while damaging the files in my attempt to catch up!

This is usually the point that I send an emotional e-mail to my mom & sister and whoever gets it first calls me and "talks me of the ledge" ... not literally, of course:)

Last night this was my sisters job. She did the same thing she always does, listens, sympathizes, gently advices and makes me laugh. Then I am magically all better and can rationally start organizing my brain files all over again! I am not even being sarcastic here, it is magic... sister magic, mother magic... maybe its only in my family! Ha ha I have a magic family and you don't! Sorry, that was bratty!

We all have someone, or many people in our lives who's mission (or so it seems) is to bring us down, step on our spirit and grind their heel as hard as they can. These are sometimes people we have to deal with daily, or often. Sometimes we "get along" with them to make life tolerable and silently deal with the hurt. Other times they are people who seemingly exist to appear every few months to ruin your life! Whatever the case, these people often hurt you and then walk away without a care until the next time they feel like stepping on you. While they get to come and go (and say) whatever they like, you are left dealing with the boiling madness that have left for you! My question is why do they get to have that power over us? Because we let them, that's why!

So last night when my magical sister told me to go read 1 Peter (I must say there is a lot of good stuff packed in such a short book!) I did & I picked a few quick points to share... they are good reminders of who and how God expects us to act! I recommend reading the whole book (its like 3 pages) because you will get a lot out of it!

1. Rid yourself of ALL malice, deceit, hypocrisy, envy and slander. (Thats hard to do when "that person" gets to act on those feelings!)

2. Love one another deeply & from the heart (that is REALLY hard when your dealing with someone you don't even like!)

3. Live such a good life that even though they (someone) accuse you of doing wrong they may see your good deeds.

4. Do not repay evil with evil, insults with insults. Be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. (Insults come pretty easy when you've been insulted!)

5. Keep your tongue from evil. (I translated that as: SHUT UP AMBER)

6. Be holy in ALL you do! (That is an ENORMOUS task!)

It goes on to talk about living NOT for your earthly desires (revenge, anger, etc.) rather live for the will of God. Why? Because we will be judged. They will be judged for what they do, and you will be accountable for what you do in return. I would love to have my revenge, but the joy would be fleeting. Facing God someday and being able to say "I loved them anyway" is a much greater joy and one that cannot be taken from you.

1 Peter 4:8 says "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a mulititude of sins."

This reminded me of a song from Sidewalk Prophets that talks about Jesus loving us anyway. Read the lyrics, if He can love us anyway.. we can love others even when they continue to hurt us.

The question was raised
As my conscience fell
A silly, little lie
It didn’t mean much
But it lingers still
In the corners of my mind
Still you call me to walk
On the edge of this world
To spread my dreams and fly
But the future’s so far
My heart is so frail
I think I’d rather stay inside
But You love me anyway
It’s like nothing in life that I’ve ever known
You love me anyway
Oh Lord, how You love me
How You love me
It took more than my strength
To simply be still
To seek but never find
All the reasons we change
The reasons I doubt
And why do loved ones have to die
I am the thorn in Your crown
But You love me anyway
I am the sweat from Your brow
But You love me anyway
I am the nail in Your wrist
But You love me anyway
I am Judas’ kiss
But You love me anyway
See now, I am the man that called out from the crowd
For Your blood to be spilled on this earth shaking ground
Yes then, I turned away with this smile on my face
With this sin in my heart tried to bury Your grace
And then alone in the night, I still called out for You
So ashamed of my life, my life, my life
You love me, You love me
You love me, You love me
How You love me
How You love me
How You love me

Skinny girl update

So... after my initial skinny girl wanna be rants, I haven't really updated anyone on my progress.

Well here it is.

I have lost zero pounds. Nice, huh. This is my story. The week after that post I went home to Mi for a week visit and apparently if you eat Russ' 3 times, plus Mc Donald's twice and Perkins, pizza and 2 Kids Easter baskets full of candy in one week you don't loose weight.... in fact, you may gain a pound or two, or three.

So, I went home three pounds heavier then when I arrived but I have re-started my "program" which really isn't a program at all. Its just diet and exercise, but it sounds more like I know what I am talking about if I call it a program.

Anyway, the running is going very well. I have moved onto week three (four starts tomorrow) of the couch to 5k running plan. I am actually enjoying the runs too. I never thought I would be able to run for minutes at a time without panting to death, but I can!!

I have lost (or re-lost) the few pounds I gained over Easter and am back at the starting point. I now have a 2lb a week goal, at least for a few weeks to make up for my little "set back"... oh, how I love Easter bunnies. Eat the ears first, always!

I also accomplished a MAJOR chore, swimsuit shopping... and it wasn't as horrible as I planned. I found a semi-attractive one piece suit that will cover my body without horrifying anyone too badly! Of course, I wouldn't have needed a new swimsuit if I hadn't thrown mine away last year in an "I hate my body" rage!

Anyway, that is the update as of now. Hopefully my next update will have a little more progress to report!!

Osama bin Laden is dead...

Warning: what you are about to read is not happy, turn back now if you don't want to face some serious business: HELL.

Most Americans are celebrating this morning because finally, finally, FINALLY that notorious evil villain is DEAD! I, however, am a little sad.

No, I am not sad that he is dead.

My heart is mixed. I am happy for America, I am happy (and oh so proud) for all of our troops, who leave their families everyday to defend our freedom.. and for very little pay.

But this is what gets my heart a little... a man, who walked the earth yesterday, is in hell.

I am assuming of course that bin Laden didn't find God before he died. If he did, God would have forgave him... what a guy, that God of ours that no one can sin too much to be saved. I have a feeling though that Osama wasn't lucky enough to ever feel that sweet grace, given so freely.

So, although I am happy that he is gone from this earth I can't find it in me to be happy for bin Laden being in hell. We all have the choice to serve the one and only true God or to serve the god's of greed, pain, terror, money(the list goes on and on). It just hurts my heart to picture bin Laden standing before God and being given his final sentence. Death from this earth was not his punishment, but he will be punished eternally. He may just deserve that. But I still can't bring myself to celebrate it.

A victory for our country, indeed! A victory in Christ... opportunity missed.

Let the death of this evil man make us all realize that hell isn't a place designated for only those as evil as Hitler and Saddam & Osama, although that is a nice thought to think. Your ticket to Heaven was bought and paid for on the cross, but you still have to accept it.

once upon a yard sale...

Once upon a time in Mathews Virginia a BEAUTIFUL woman was having a yard sale. She got up early, 7a.m., and started hauling everything outside. She had furniture, clothes, baby stuff, exercise equipment (that she had to have because it was the one and only thing that would make her skinny.... then she used it for a month and never thought about it again) She have home decor, Christmas decor, sponge bob decor....

Now its all displayed nicely in her front yard and the "YARD SALE" signs are posted at the end of the drive way and she is ready for that first big sale!

A truck pulls up. "Yes!" she thinks to herself, here they come. The man gets out and starts digging through her husband's scrap pile. "Crap" I say to myself. Thats not for sale, its junk. He asks "how much for this broken trailer" .. uh, Derek? she question's to her husband. "$15 bucks" Derek tells the man. She think to herself "what about all my beautiful treasures? He wants junk?" The man and Derek dig the trailer out of the scrap pile and the man hands him a $20.00 bill. "Keep the change" he says. The man leaves.

"Give me that money" She snaps at Derek. "Its my scrap" he says. "Its my sale" she replies.

They split it fifty fifty. Speaking of fifty.. she has made fifty cents since then:(

The scrap king wins again... damn him!

(p.s. I find yard sales boring so I write stories!... if this sale doesn't pick up I may publish a novel by the end of the day!

two sides to every story...

Ever have an argument with someone and find out later what they said about you? And you realized that it was the exact things you were saying/thinking about them.. only in their version you were the bad guy?

Now I am not saying it is right to talk about people behind their back, but it happens.. and when you hear stories about how evil you are it really bites! Especially when you have done nothing wrong (there are few perfect people, I guess I am lucky to be one of them!)

It amazes me, baffles really.. that two people, who were present at the exact same argument, can have completely different versions of the events that occurred.

Obviously we need to be careful with what we say in anger, because those words can come back and bite us in the butt.. and they have jaws of steel! But what about the words that you never said, but someone says you said? .... I feel like a tween, he said that she said that he, she, it said.....

I feel like a hypocrite trying to live a Christian life, when people are judging me on things I NEVER said or did?

I am not saying that I am innocent on all accounts, but seriously.... I feel like I have to defend my every move!! And some moves I never made!! I also love how if I try to mend the situation nobody talks about that!

In case you haven't noticed it's a ranting day... but I do have a bit of advice, seeing as how I am an expert on the subject.

Keep your mouth shut! Always. Don't speak. Ever. People may think your crazy, but at least they can't accuse you of saying things you didn't!! Lol... I guess if I did that I would still probably be accused of giving someone the evil eye or something!

Anyway, I guess I need to let it go in one ear and out the other and not care what others think of me, but just what I know to be true about my self... but seriously, I am human and those darn "wise" old sayings stink!

From now on I am keeping my lips zipped! Anyone who knows me knows that is a COMPLETE LIE! I can't keep my mouth closed on any subject, even duct tape wouldn't work on me!

I guess I will just continue to blog any thought that enters my mind.. which is keeping my mouth closed, my fingers are doing the talking now!!!

Only I would get brain-strain from a yard sale!

So I am having a yard sale this weekend so I am sorting through my piles of stuff that I deemed worthy of saving for the past two years I just so I could try to sell it. I have a lot of stuff that builds up until I feel like my house is going to explode under the pressure! That got me thinking that my mind often feels the same way.

Sometimes my brain gets so cluttered with "life" that I forget to live! I dwell on the past and try to keep score of the going-on's of everyone and all of a sudden so much crap has built up that I don't know what to do with it? Then I want to explode under the pressure!

I am assuming I am not the only one who feels this way, so what do you do to clear the clutter?

This is seriously serious, seriously!

Soooo...... yesterday's post created a whirlwind of facebook comments that somehow ending with meth addicts and nice Christian ladies smoking and drinking.... not so sure how that happened, but in typical Amber style my nice calm plan quickly got out of hand and I had to post legal notices on my comments! :)

One comment got me thinking about whether or not I should just be happy with the body God gave me....

I am thankful for the body God gave me. Realizing this makes this "skinny girl" journey even tougher. See, God gave me this body, and I have used it to glorify him through acts of service... occasionally. Occasionally should not be my goal in how often I give God the glory. I took this perfect, in HIS image body, and I filled it with ice cream, pizza, cookies and cakes, cheese covered lasagnas and creamy coffee drinks. I took His perfect gift and turned it into a mess! I have been a glutton for food and the body that He created turned into my revised addition.... it was perfect the way He planned, it didn't need my revisions! My negative body image stands in the way of me witnessing for the Kingdom, because I simply don't want people seeing me! Now we are talking sin.. I mean, come on!

I don't much like being serious, sarcasm runs in my blood. But sin is serious stuff! Sin, sin, sin.. and weight loss? Yes, because I sin everyday... when the thoughts of what I am eating, working out, spending time on the scale, reading articles on weight loss, trying new diets, beating myself up for eating that cookie... when all of those things consume my mind MORE than God does, what is really coming first in my life? God? Or diets? Whew, thats are hard pill to swallow to acknowledge that maybe, just MAYBE I am spending more time consumed with this skinny-wanna-be thing than I spend with God!

So now I am a food glutton and "dieting', although I hate it, is my idol. So we are no longer just on a weight loss journey... we are now venturing into the sin loss+weight loss territory! WHOA! Which means I have to accomplish my goal of being healthy on the outside, but I have to add being healthy on the inside too (spiritually speaking, though I am sure my organs will be doing the happy dance also!)

1 Corinthians 6: 19 says: “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”

Honor God with my body? If my body (or the way I have let it become) is causing me to sin (the gluttony & idol stuff) then I am obviously not using it for the purpose it was created for, am I? Ouch, truth hurts!

Think for a second what you would build if someone told you to to prepare a temple for the Holy Spirit.... I can't even phantom how amazing I would want that temple to be!! My temple, however, is not so impressive & the Holy Spirit resides there anyway! Thank God for grace, because my temple is unworthy of Him and He lives in me anyway!

Now its time for me to take a long look in the mirror, and try to see past the stuff I dislike on the outside and glimpse that person that God created me to be!

Enough serious talk... I am going to go let Jillian Michaels kick my butt. She scares me into submission through a DVD, I never want to meet her in person!! But my love/hate relationship with Jillian can wait for another day!

Hugs, kisses and skinny dreams (inside & out)

Skinny wanna-be.. that's me!

There was a time (about 10 years ago) when I was a skinny girl. Really stinkin' skinny. I wore a size 0 jeans, my fat jeans were a size 2 and there was no 1 in front of that 2! I was also 17, had no kids, worked two jobs (because I was too cool for school) and was on the go constantly. The mountain dew/nicotine combination that was coursing through my veins gave me that extra umph that I needed to get through my 12-14 hour work days and my 5 hours of running around with friends. (Note: I was being SARCASTIC about the school thing, it was a stupid choice!)

Anyway, That is no longer the case... no more mountain dew, no more cigarettes, and no more 12-14 hour work days (I am on the 24/7 MOM schedule now) but I weigh almost 50 lbs more than I did back then. What the heck?

I am what you would call an "average" American woman. I am 5'6"... average... a size 10... average... and one hundred and ***cough, cough pounds... average! (that's 159.8 lbs, NO IT IS NOT 160!) But let me fill you in on a little secret. AVERAGE SUCKS! I don't feel good about myself. I don't like the way I look. I do not want to wear a swimsuit, not even in my own backyard. It just plain stinks.

Now, I will say that in the past 5 months I have finished loosing my baby weight (remember, I have a 13 month old) so I have lost about 30lbs! Which sounds amazing, except that I am right back where I was BEFORE I got pregnant and I wasn't happy then!

So whats the plan? I did a couple weeks of low carb dieting, and it worked.. but then I stood still again, tried some low calorie diets.. no real change with those. I tried a protein smoothie diet which would have worked if I continued because the protein powder made me vomit, but I decided anorexia wasn't the way to go. So what's next?

I almost cringe at the thought of this.. that stupid "e" word. Why must it be the only thing that really works? Crap, I hate exercise. I hate, hate, hate it. I hate running, jumping, dancing, videos, classes... I hate it all. I don't like to sweat. I don't like to contort my body into unnatural and painful positions. Apparently there are some people who enjoy it, I am not one of those people. I also KNOW that I HAVE to do it if I want to get healthy..

So, here are my goals.. maybe someone in this cyber space world will help hold me accountable for accomplishing them? Maybe for once I will account for myself?

I do NOT want to pick a number.

I always say I want to weight x amount of pounds, or loose x amount of weight... not this time.

My goal is this. I want to feel good. I want to go shopping and enjoy trying clothes on (I used too, now I dread it.) I want to be comfortable in my own skin (with the appropriate amount of clothes on, of course!) I would like to be free from the constant "downer" of being fat.

So, I have started the couch to 5K running plan (on day 2, woohoo) and I am making wise eating choices, not perfect choices.. I will not restrict things, only use moderation or I wont stick to it.

Here's too another leg in my (adult) life-long attempt to be skinny girl!

I could spend forever wishin' I was one of those naturally thin women, but it just aint gonna happen.. (that last sentence was to prove that you should stay in school!)

Hugs, kisses, and skinny dreams...